THE BAD WIFE
Yes I am that bad, indecent, and ill-cultured wife you have probably heard about from your parents or family or other relatives. Yes, I ran out of the marriage that was on the verge of collapsing instead of trying to fix things so that everything went on smoothly. Yes, I am the one who couldn’t follow the cultural norms and traditions of marriage in the society we live in. Yes, I am the guilty one.
And what is my guilt? My guilt is that I belong to a traditional family where marriage is not the union of two souls, rather it’s the union of two families, or as in my case, extended families, where a wife is expected to take care of each and every member of the family of her husband, where the responsibilities faced by a wife is ten times more than her husband, her devotion to her husband’s family must be hundred times more than the devotion of her husband to her family, and where a wife is just somebody living under the same roof.
My guilt was that I broke off each and every of these rules that are normally observed in my society. I am Nandita, divorced, and aged 29 years, belonging to a traditional Indian family. I won’t say that I am happy after my divorce some six months ago because I am not. The reason is I loved and still love my husband more than anything. It was just that I felt suffocated living with him most of the times. We slept on the same bed, under the same roof but I felt he was millions of miles away from me. I can still remember some of the nights when I would be sleepless because some of our quarrels and he was sleeping with an innocent smile on his face. It was as if our quarrel or not talking to each other didn’t affect him much, or rather didn’t affect him at all. I can still refresh some of the problems faced by us in the initial years of our marriage. Majority of our issues were concerning my in-laws who didn’t want to understand that I too was a human being with a different individuality and perspectives. And I remember each and everything as if it happened just yesterday.
Aryan and I met through some common relative who knew both of our families, ours was an arrange marriage. I remember I was too shy when we were asked to talk to each other in private as it was a question of the whole life. Aryan seemed rather religious and a bit family oriented person to me which attracted me because I myself believed in joint family system. To me, a family meant a home full of members who are always ready to help you when you need. After our second meeting, we decided for marrying each other. Stupid as it may seem to you that just two meetings don’t mean compatibility for a life long relationship but it’s so in our society. And so after those two meetings, we were engaged.
Those five months were the best days in my whole life. I would always wake up with a good morning wish from my fiancé and would often go to sleep after a good long chat with him. My in-laws were also very nice to me and treated me with respect. Little did I realize at that time that this was just an illusion which was to be shattered very soon after marriage!
I still remember that Aryan came to my home one day with a big bouquet of red roses and snacks and with a sweet smile on his face. Oh how I had fallen for that surprise! But yes, it’s me. I am a person who can be made feel cared and loved just with one red rose and there was a big bouquet of them. I was so shy to talk to the man I was going to marry and spend my lifetime with, or so I had thought at that time. We went for a long drive and he didn’t even touch me or try to touch me. I was so impressed with him. Little did I realize that I was not only falling in love gradually, but I was giving him the right to offend me, hurt me just by his attitude!
I still remember the first time I messaged him that I love him. Yes it was me who said it first. Before that, we always said that we were good friends and liked each other for we both believed that falling in love is not an instant affair. And he came to my doorstep at night just to answer that he loves me too. I knew he was speaking right from the heart for his eyes always speak for him when he doesn’t. I still remember the first time he introduced me to one of his female friend and I remember I felt a tinge of jealousy for the first time in my life. He apologized the next day for giving more attention to her rather than to me and I forgave him instantly.
I remember our first movie, first touch, and first kiss, first drive everything as fresh as they would have just been yesterday. In those five months, there was this day when I tried calling him again and again but in vain. I messaged him but no reply came. I checked if he is online, but he was not. I was angry on him like never before. But in the evening, he came to my place with a soft toy and a big card that said he was sorry. I almost forgave him in the next instant. No it wasn’t the card or the soft toy that melted my heart for him, it was my love. I could never be angry when he was before me, his eyes expressed warmth that makes me forget all the anger and I almost start wondering if being angry was my mistake, my stupidity. How can those wonderful eyes make me feel hurt or make me cry or make me angry! No it must have been mistake. I always had this sensation inside me after every time he was in the wrong. Even today, I won’t be lying if I say that he still has that effect on me. On the day of our divorce, I still remember his steady gaze that lingered on me for more than a week and I felt guilty to be selfish and not tried to save the relationship. But then I understood I was not being selfish, I was just being reasonable.
Then after five months I got married to him who according to me was the perfect guy for me. I remember our honeymoon, places we went, things we did everything. In fact, it was the first time; my mind questioned me about the stability and sustainability of our relationship. It was this night I don’t remember exactly why we quarreled, might be something with the television, and he didn’t try to patch it up. I slept early as I was tired and the last image I had in my mind was him watching television intently. When I woke up in the middle of the night, he was sleeping on the couch. I did call him on my bed and he was kind and forgiving enough to respect me. The next day everything went on as nothing had happened the night before. Either we were both lying to each other or to ourselves, I am still not sure.
The year after was a mixture of both joy and sorrow. I would be lying if I say that he just gave me sorrows. He cared for me a lot, I knew. And he always tried to make me happy and contended. But there were times when I would notice that he never by himself asked me out for a movie or a dinner. It was always me who was responsible for us spending a little time alone outside. We never got much chance to stay alone at home as my in-laws were always there with us. And if anyhow we were alone for a night or two, he still will not leave watching television or playing video games for a night, while I wanted to live that one day of complete freedom making love to him on the couch, cooking together and bathing together. But he would burn all the passion in me by saying that he don’t like being alone. I always wondered and still wonder how he could say that he missed his parents while they were away just for a night when I left my complete family behind just to be with him.
There also was a time when I started noticing his lack of interest in sex. I don’t still know for sure whether it was just due to tiredness because of expanding business or because of me. The reason is that he would always be fully energetic in front of his parents, his sisters, their husbands and kids but once he walked inside the room, he would say that he is tired and wants to sleep. I didn’t find it convincing for he would be watching movies after that if there was one on air that he wanted to watch. I also realized at the same time, it was me who was doing all the talking and sharing details about my office, my colleagues and my parents. He didn’t find it important to share his business details with his wife, he told me this actually. And I knew we were tearing apart, though we both would have denied it at that time. I remember what he once told me. He had said that as we didn’t have a baby yet, we are not bound to each other and can move on with life. I broke up hearing this from him as I never expected him to say that so ruthlessly. I accept that there were moments when I told him that I should have given a second thought to my decision of marrying him. But that was only due to tiredness. I used to complete all the household chores before I went on shopping and then again after coming back I had to prepare dinner for all. It was never occurred honestly and I immediately repented afterwards. On that night when he told me the above things, I told him that it was impossible for me to think that because I was tied to him from the moment I said yes to him and living without him was something I can’t dream of because Aryan and life were synonyms for me. But still his heart didn’t melt. And he slept living me shattered.
On another instance we were at a social function. There was a lot of crowd as it was in the temple of our god. After dinner, we all headed towards the door; I was second last and he was after me. I suddenly saw one of my distant aunts waving to me. I went to meet and greet her; I knew he would notice as he was right behind me. After some 5 minutes, when I turned around to look for him, I couldn’t find him. I went to the door but none of them could be seen. I went inside again and searched for him but in vain. My cell phone wasn’t with me so there was no way of contacting him. For 10 minutes, I felt as if I was a fool waiting for somebody who didn’t even notice his wife missing. I almost had tears in my eyes. After searching for him continuously he appeared on the door in his car as if nothing happened. I understood he must have gone to see off his sister and her husband and my in-laws went with them too. He didn’t care to come and greet my aunt, didn’t think it important to tell me about his whereabouts and most importantly he didn’t care to even apologize for his behavior. If instead of mine, it would have been his relative, then I would have to meet them with a smiling face, touch their feet and be with them till he was with them. But I was the daughter-in-law, a mere wife who is not important.
At the same time, his mother started trying to find fault with me every now and then. In spite of the fact that everybody knew I was head over heels in love with my husband, she started doubting my love for him and asked me if I am happy with him. I gave an honest answer that he is the best and most beautiful thing that has happened to me, he still is, but she wasn’t satisfied. I started ignoring her comments after that and she stopped talking to me. Now I was like a stranger living in the house if Aryan was not around and I truly felt bored alone. I tried to talk to Aryan when he was at work just to kill boredom and loneliness but he always hung up saying he was busy. I tried to be the best wife and also a good daughter in law, but that wasn’t enough, I guess. I was expected to be more, but I couldn’t be what I am not. In the mean time, even while my husband was supportive enough, I saw his immense loyalty towards his parents and family of which I today think I was never a part of. I was hurt when he gave more importance to any of his sisters for it was me who was willing to sacrifice everything and anything for his sake; the girl who had left many of her desires for him, who had changed her dressing style for him, who had changed even her last name for him. But somehow, he didn’t seem to notice that immense love I had for him and continued to treat it as possessiveness.
Many times, I would feel alone when everybody would be busy chatting with each other paying no attention to the fact that I was sitting right there, I would feel like a maid when I would be called upon in the middle of the discussion just for some work and I would feel like an outsider when important decisions were taken without consulting me and later on just conveyed to me. I don’t know how but all the things started getting on my nerve and every alternate day, I would cry and cry until my tears gave up. I knew I was heading towards a stage of acute depression.
Then it lighted on me. My parents had me properly educated, I had a stable job, my future was certain. Then why was I letting myself to be hurt again and again. Of course I loved my husband but is love enough a reason to live a life of little significance and dependency???
And I took the most difficult decision of my life. Believe me; I died a million times in taking that decision. But later on I did what was best for an educated, independent and a girl with self-respect.
I filed for divorce knowing it would bring disgrace to my parents and family for it was viewed as a crime in my society. But to my surprise, they were supportive enough for the happiness of their daughter.
I must give it to Aryan that he freed me very easily. He didn’t stand in the way of my liberty; he knew nothing would have stopped me then. For it had taken 3 years for the volcano to finally erupt. And thus finally we divorced and a relationship that I could have died for easily came to a full-stop.
“What are you thinking?” asked my dad bringing me back to the present. “Eat your breakfast and have you decided about it yet?”
“Dad, you know I won’t be able to. Why do you keep forcing me for coming?”
“Because that’s your cousin’s marriage. And yes, if you don’t go, people will take it for granted that it was your mistake. You have to come.” I didn’t answer and he continued, “I know it’s a bit embarrassing, actually frustrating for you with all the people asking you why you took that decision. But this is the best opportunity for you to protect yourself and your image. Clarify yourself so that we can have new suitors for you to marry. You can’t live alone for your whole life.”
I wasn’t actually listening to a word he was saying and simply nodded my head knowing I would have to surrender to him anyways.
I went to the marriage party knowing it would be a tough time for me as well as my parents. People looked at me like I was a monkey in the zoo. I tried to smile first, then to ignore and finally ran to the restroom for stopping myself further embarrassment by crying in front of all those people. Finally I came outside determined to talk to all those people who wanted to ask me all the details about the decision to the divorce. But to my surprise, they didn’t want to ask me anything, just want to gossip about me and my divorce. I was sick to stomach and told my parents that I was leaving and it would be better for all of us. Left with no alternative, they agreed.
“But at least meet him one time.” Dad told me the next day. I didn’t know people would be in such a hurry to finding me another life-partner as if the experience with one wasn’t enough a lesson for me. After my departure, a distant aunt convinced my parents that there was a widower looking for a wife. And because I still didn’t have kids, we both would make a good pair. His good points included absence of children, a good salary and no siblings.
“You know, dad, you already know my answer. Then why all this show of meeting” I was emotional, “Why can’t you people leave me to my destiny?”
“We are your parents; stupid though a reason it might seem to you.” My mom was all tears, “we can’t see you like this, and we die each moment. Do you know that?”
“I know mom, it is as tough for you as it is for me but you know I won’t be able to do justice to anybody else. It would be wrong to ruin somebody else’s life to just because my life is ruined, won’t it?” I was still so much into Aryan. I couldn’t think of waking up beside anyone who is not him and I knew I would never be able to love another person in this life, in another life.
“Won’t Aryan move on? He had already moved on and started seeing other girls too. Rita aunty told me.” Mom said.
“So? That doesn’t change my feelings for him. I know I was the one who initiated the divorce mom, but it was not because I don’t love him. I still do and I always will, mom, because you can’t run away from your shadows. And that is what he is for me. In another life, in another time, I might have agreed to whatever you said, but not in this life.” I didn’t realize I was crying too.
“Okay. Let her live her life according to her wishes. We would say no to him, don’t worry and don’t cry.” Dad placed a loving hand on my shoulders.
“Thanks a lot, dad.” I could have never been more grateful to god for giving me such an understanding dad.
Two weeks passed and none of us brought that topic again and I knew they won’t ever without my expressed desire to remarry. But then I started noticing their lack of social life because of me, people won’t visit them and they tried not to attend functions which they would have never left before. I blamed myself for all that. Day and night I thought of a way to do everything right.
“Marry someone. It will give recognition to you and your family.” My mind told me to which my heart had only reply.
“Don’t do anything that you will repent later on. You still love Aryan and you always will. Don’t betray your love, don’t betray yourself.”
And I kept thinking the whole night. I came up with a decision to save both- my promise to my first and only love and my parents of the possible problems they might face because of me. I decided to end my life; as such it was something I didn’t care about after separating from Aryan. I knew people including my parents would think it irrational to end life for a person whom you can’t even claim to be yours. But that’s me. I committed myself to one man, I gave him my heart and my soul, I loved him and that was enough for me. There was no place for another.
I left a note to my parents saying that they were the best parents in the world and I am really more than lucky to have them. I told them it was my bad luck that I can’t have more time with them. I said I was sorry to leave them so but that I didn’t have much option. I hope they would understand and also hope that I get them only as my parents in every birth I take. Then at night, I went where my destiny was awaiting me. It was this bridge on a river near our city. I didn’t know swimming and for the first time was happy for not learning it. Due to night, there weren’t many people around. Without thinking another thing, I jumped right into the river. I felt myself drowning into the water, I felt water filling into my lungs instead of air, and I felt the weight of the water crushing my body. Then suddenly there were voices saying ‘call fire brigade, somebody’s jumped, and police’. But I knew I was beyond their reach now. Knowing that end was near, I closed my eyes. All the images of Aryan relived in front of him- his saying ‘I love you’, his kisses, his gifts, his smile, everything. In that moment, I knew my decision was right. Then I felt immense pain in left lung and suddenly I saw a white light forming towards me. I felt a sigh of relief. “I love you Aryan” and “Forgive me god for hurting my parents” I said and started following the white light. And then the pain was no more.
And what is my guilt? My guilt is that I belong to a traditional family where marriage is not the union of two souls, rather it’s the union of two families, or as in my case, extended families, where a wife is expected to take care of each and every member of the family of her husband, where the responsibilities faced by a wife is ten times more than her husband, her devotion to her husband’s family must be hundred times more than the devotion of her husband to her family, and where a wife is just somebody living under the same roof.
My guilt was that I broke off each and every of these rules that are normally observed in my society. I am Nandita, divorced, and aged 29 years, belonging to a traditional Indian family. I won’t say that I am happy after my divorce some six months ago because I am not. The reason is I loved and still love my husband more than anything. It was just that I felt suffocated living with him most of the times. We slept on the same bed, under the same roof but I felt he was millions of miles away from me. I can still remember some of the nights when I would be sleepless because some of our quarrels and he was sleeping with an innocent smile on his face. It was as if our quarrel or not talking to each other didn’t affect him much, or rather didn’t affect him at all. I can still refresh some of the problems faced by us in the initial years of our marriage. Majority of our issues were concerning my in-laws who didn’t want to understand that I too was a human being with a different individuality and perspectives. And I remember each and everything as if it happened just yesterday.
Aryan and I met through some common relative who knew both of our families, ours was an arrange marriage. I remember I was too shy when we were asked to talk to each other in private as it was a question of the whole life. Aryan seemed rather religious and a bit family oriented person to me which attracted me because I myself believed in joint family system. To me, a family meant a home full of members who are always ready to help you when you need. After our second meeting, we decided for marrying each other. Stupid as it may seem to you that just two meetings don’t mean compatibility for a life long relationship but it’s so in our society. And so after those two meetings, we were engaged.
Those five months were the best days in my whole life. I would always wake up with a good morning wish from my fiancé and would often go to sleep after a good long chat with him. My in-laws were also very nice to me and treated me with respect. Little did I realize at that time that this was just an illusion which was to be shattered very soon after marriage!
I still remember that Aryan came to my home one day with a big bouquet of red roses and snacks and with a sweet smile on his face. Oh how I had fallen for that surprise! But yes, it’s me. I am a person who can be made feel cared and loved just with one red rose and there was a big bouquet of them. I was so shy to talk to the man I was going to marry and spend my lifetime with, or so I had thought at that time. We went for a long drive and he didn’t even touch me or try to touch me. I was so impressed with him. Little did I realize that I was not only falling in love gradually, but I was giving him the right to offend me, hurt me just by his attitude!
I still remember the first time I messaged him that I love him. Yes it was me who said it first. Before that, we always said that we were good friends and liked each other for we both believed that falling in love is not an instant affair. And he came to my doorstep at night just to answer that he loves me too. I knew he was speaking right from the heart for his eyes always speak for him when he doesn’t. I still remember the first time he introduced me to one of his female friend and I remember I felt a tinge of jealousy for the first time in my life. He apologized the next day for giving more attention to her rather than to me and I forgave him instantly.
I remember our first movie, first touch, and first kiss, first drive everything as fresh as they would have just been yesterday. In those five months, there was this day when I tried calling him again and again but in vain. I messaged him but no reply came. I checked if he is online, but he was not. I was angry on him like never before. But in the evening, he came to my place with a soft toy and a big card that said he was sorry. I almost forgave him in the next instant. No it wasn’t the card or the soft toy that melted my heart for him, it was my love. I could never be angry when he was before me, his eyes expressed warmth that makes me forget all the anger and I almost start wondering if being angry was my mistake, my stupidity. How can those wonderful eyes make me feel hurt or make me cry or make me angry! No it must have been mistake. I always had this sensation inside me after every time he was in the wrong. Even today, I won’t be lying if I say that he still has that effect on me. On the day of our divorce, I still remember his steady gaze that lingered on me for more than a week and I felt guilty to be selfish and not tried to save the relationship. But then I understood I was not being selfish, I was just being reasonable.
Then after five months I got married to him who according to me was the perfect guy for me. I remember our honeymoon, places we went, things we did everything. In fact, it was the first time; my mind questioned me about the stability and sustainability of our relationship. It was this night I don’t remember exactly why we quarreled, might be something with the television, and he didn’t try to patch it up. I slept early as I was tired and the last image I had in my mind was him watching television intently. When I woke up in the middle of the night, he was sleeping on the couch. I did call him on my bed and he was kind and forgiving enough to respect me. The next day everything went on as nothing had happened the night before. Either we were both lying to each other or to ourselves, I am still not sure.
The year after was a mixture of both joy and sorrow. I would be lying if I say that he just gave me sorrows. He cared for me a lot, I knew. And he always tried to make me happy and contended. But there were times when I would notice that he never by himself asked me out for a movie or a dinner. It was always me who was responsible for us spending a little time alone outside. We never got much chance to stay alone at home as my in-laws were always there with us. And if anyhow we were alone for a night or two, he still will not leave watching television or playing video games for a night, while I wanted to live that one day of complete freedom making love to him on the couch, cooking together and bathing together. But he would burn all the passion in me by saying that he don’t like being alone. I always wondered and still wonder how he could say that he missed his parents while they were away just for a night when I left my complete family behind just to be with him.
There also was a time when I started noticing his lack of interest in sex. I don’t still know for sure whether it was just due to tiredness because of expanding business or because of me. The reason is that he would always be fully energetic in front of his parents, his sisters, their husbands and kids but once he walked inside the room, he would say that he is tired and wants to sleep. I didn’t find it convincing for he would be watching movies after that if there was one on air that he wanted to watch. I also realized at the same time, it was me who was doing all the talking and sharing details about my office, my colleagues and my parents. He didn’t find it important to share his business details with his wife, he told me this actually. And I knew we were tearing apart, though we both would have denied it at that time. I remember what he once told me. He had said that as we didn’t have a baby yet, we are not bound to each other and can move on with life. I broke up hearing this from him as I never expected him to say that so ruthlessly. I accept that there were moments when I told him that I should have given a second thought to my decision of marrying him. But that was only due to tiredness. I used to complete all the household chores before I went on shopping and then again after coming back I had to prepare dinner for all. It was never occurred honestly and I immediately repented afterwards. On that night when he told me the above things, I told him that it was impossible for me to think that because I was tied to him from the moment I said yes to him and living without him was something I can’t dream of because Aryan and life were synonyms for me. But still his heart didn’t melt. And he slept living me shattered.
On another instance we were at a social function. There was a lot of crowd as it was in the temple of our god. After dinner, we all headed towards the door; I was second last and he was after me. I suddenly saw one of my distant aunts waving to me. I went to meet and greet her; I knew he would notice as he was right behind me. After some 5 minutes, when I turned around to look for him, I couldn’t find him. I went to the door but none of them could be seen. I went inside again and searched for him but in vain. My cell phone wasn’t with me so there was no way of contacting him. For 10 minutes, I felt as if I was a fool waiting for somebody who didn’t even notice his wife missing. I almost had tears in my eyes. After searching for him continuously he appeared on the door in his car as if nothing happened. I understood he must have gone to see off his sister and her husband and my in-laws went with them too. He didn’t care to come and greet my aunt, didn’t think it important to tell me about his whereabouts and most importantly he didn’t care to even apologize for his behavior. If instead of mine, it would have been his relative, then I would have to meet them with a smiling face, touch their feet and be with them till he was with them. But I was the daughter-in-law, a mere wife who is not important.
At the same time, his mother started trying to find fault with me every now and then. In spite of the fact that everybody knew I was head over heels in love with my husband, she started doubting my love for him and asked me if I am happy with him. I gave an honest answer that he is the best and most beautiful thing that has happened to me, he still is, but she wasn’t satisfied. I started ignoring her comments after that and she stopped talking to me. Now I was like a stranger living in the house if Aryan was not around and I truly felt bored alone. I tried to talk to Aryan when he was at work just to kill boredom and loneliness but he always hung up saying he was busy. I tried to be the best wife and also a good daughter in law, but that wasn’t enough, I guess. I was expected to be more, but I couldn’t be what I am not. In the mean time, even while my husband was supportive enough, I saw his immense loyalty towards his parents and family of which I today think I was never a part of. I was hurt when he gave more importance to any of his sisters for it was me who was willing to sacrifice everything and anything for his sake; the girl who had left many of her desires for him, who had changed her dressing style for him, who had changed even her last name for him. But somehow, he didn’t seem to notice that immense love I had for him and continued to treat it as possessiveness.
Many times, I would feel alone when everybody would be busy chatting with each other paying no attention to the fact that I was sitting right there, I would feel like a maid when I would be called upon in the middle of the discussion just for some work and I would feel like an outsider when important decisions were taken without consulting me and later on just conveyed to me. I don’t know how but all the things started getting on my nerve and every alternate day, I would cry and cry until my tears gave up. I knew I was heading towards a stage of acute depression.
Then it lighted on me. My parents had me properly educated, I had a stable job, my future was certain. Then why was I letting myself to be hurt again and again. Of course I loved my husband but is love enough a reason to live a life of little significance and dependency???
And I took the most difficult decision of my life. Believe me; I died a million times in taking that decision. But later on I did what was best for an educated, independent and a girl with self-respect.
I filed for divorce knowing it would bring disgrace to my parents and family for it was viewed as a crime in my society. But to my surprise, they were supportive enough for the happiness of their daughter.
I must give it to Aryan that he freed me very easily. He didn’t stand in the way of my liberty; he knew nothing would have stopped me then. For it had taken 3 years for the volcano to finally erupt. And thus finally we divorced and a relationship that I could have died for easily came to a full-stop.
“What are you thinking?” asked my dad bringing me back to the present. “Eat your breakfast and have you decided about it yet?”
“Dad, you know I won’t be able to. Why do you keep forcing me for coming?”
“Because that’s your cousin’s marriage. And yes, if you don’t go, people will take it for granted that it was your mistake. You have to come.” I didn’t answer and he continued, “I know it’s a bit embarrassing, actually frustrating for you with all the people asking you why you took that decision. But this is the best opportunity for you to protect yourself and your image. Clarify yourself so that we can have new suitors for you to marry. You can’t live alone for your whole life.”
I wasn’t actually listening to a word he was saying and simply nodded my head knowing I would have to surrender to him anyways.
I went to the marriage party knowing it would be a tough time for me as well as my parents. People looked at me like I was a monkey in the zoo. I tried to smile first, then to ignore and finally ran to the restroom for stopping myself further embarrassment by crying in front of all those people. Finally I came outside determined to talk to all those people who wanted to ask me all the details about the decision to the divorce. But to my surprise, they didn’t want to ask me anything, just want to gossip about me and my divorce. I was sick to stomach and told my parents that I was leaving and it would be better for all of us. Left with no alternative, they agreed.
“But at least meet him one time.” Dad told me the next day. I didn’t know people would be in such a hurry to finding me another life-partner as if the experience with one wasn’t enough a lesson for me. After my departure, a distant aunt convinced my parents that there was a widower looking for a wife. And because I still didn’t have kids, we both would make a good pair. His good points included absence of children, a good salary and no siblings.
“You know, dad, you already know my answer. Then why all this show of meeting” I was emotional, “Why can’t you people leave me to my destiny?”
“We are your parents; stupid though a reason it might seem to you.” My mom was all tears, “we can’t see you like this, and we die each moment. Do you know that?”
“I know mom, it is as tough for you as it is for me but you know I won’t be able to do justice to anybody else. It would be wrong to ruin somebody else’s life to just because my life is ruined, won’t it?” I was still so much into Aryan. I couldn’t think of waking up beside anyone who is not him and I knew I would never be able to love another person in this life, in another life.
“Won’t Aryan move on? He had already moved on and started seeing other girls too. Rita aunty told me.” Mom said.
“So? That doesn’t change my feelings for him. I know I was the one who initiated the divorce mom, but it was not because I don’t love him. I still do and I always will, mom, because you can’t run away from your shadows. And that is what he is for me. In another life, in another time, I might have agreed to whatever you said, but not in this life.” I didn’t realize I was crying too.
“Okay. Let her live her life according to her wishes. We would say no to him, don’t worry and don’t cry.” Dad placed a loving hand on my shoulders.
“Thanks a lot, dad.” I could have never been more grateful to god for giving me such an understanding dad.
Two weeks passed and none of us brought that topic again and I knew they won’t ever without my expressed desire to remarry. But then I started noticing their lack of social life because of me, people won’t visit them and they tried not to attend functions which they would have never left before. I blamed myself for all that. Day and night I thought of a way to do everything right.
“Marry someone. It will give recognition to you and your family.” My mind told me to which my heart had only reply.
“Don’t do anything that you will repent later on. You still love Aryan and you always will. Don’t betray your love, don’t betray yourself.”
And I kept thinking the whole night. I came up with a decision to save both- my promise to my first and only love and my parents of the possible problems they might face because of me. I decided to end my life; as such it was something I didn’t care about after separating from Aryan. I knew people including my parents would think it irrational to end life for a person whom you can’t even claim to be yours. But that’s me. I committed myself to one man, I gave him my heart and my soul, I loved him and that was enough for me. There was no place for another.
I left a note to my parents saying that they were the best parents in the world and I am really more than lucky to have them. I told them it was my bad luck that I can’t have more time with them. I said I was sorry to leave them so but that I didn’t have much option. I hope they would understand and also hope that I get them only as my parents in every birth I take. Then at night, I went where my destiny was awaiting me. It was this bridge on a river near our city. I didn’t know swimming and for the first time was happy for not learning it. Due to night, there weren’t many people around. Without thinking another thing, I jumped right into the river. I felt myself drowning into the water, I felt water filling into my lungs instead of air, and I felt the weight of the water crushing my body. Then suddenly there were voices saying ‘call fire brigade, somebody’s jumped, and police’. But I knew I was beyond their reach now. Knowing that end was near, I closed my eyes. All the images of Aryan relived in front of him- his saying ‘I love you’, his kisses, his gifts, his smile, everything. In that moment, I knew my decision was right. Then I felt immense pain in left lung and suddenly I saw a white light forming towards me. I felt a sigh of relief. “I love you Aryan” and “Forgive me god for hurting my parents” I said and started following the white light. And then the pain was no more.
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